Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A few confessions

  1. I resent any women over 50 who dress stylishly, balance their own checkbook, or manage their own schedules. They are less deserving than Mom in the equation of my snap judgment.
  2. It's embarrassing to be with Mom in public. You can’t tell by looking that her brain is working against her, but her actions are increasingly child-like.
  3. I wish Dad would cut her some slack. He gets impatient really quick and seems to resent her dependence. I get that; I feel it too, but I don’t think he realizes how harsh he comes across, nor how timid Mom is around him compared to being with me or Olivia. I think she’s constantly aware of not living up to his expectations.
  4. I'm terrified of "catching" Alzheimer's. Anytime I forget something, I feel a shiver of panic.
  5. I miss her living vicariously through me. She used to ask about my life and was able to track with events as I anticipated them, experienced them, and relived them with her. Now, she asks, "what else is new?" without remembering the story I just told her.
  6. It's exhausting to be upbeat around her all the time. She is always so happy to see any of us kids when we spend time at home or take her on an outing. But the whole time she and I are together, I'm earmarking evidence of her decline, and grieving on the inside. She sets the emotional tone of our time together (maybe that hasn't changed much over the years), but it's hard to keep up with her and hide the fact that what I'm actually feeling is the exact opposite of what I'm expressing. I can't help but wonder if she's acting too.

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